"Theology Lessons from a Crack Addict" by Candace Todd

I met Brenda* in the fall of 2007. She is a short, skinny black woman in her early thirties who lives in Binghampton. She has three children, but none of them live with her because she has been addicted to crack for years. The children stay with her mother who lives nearby. Brenda is engaged to a man named Terry* who is an alcoholic and often abuses her. One time he beat her so badly that she lost sight in one of her eyes. When I first met Brenda I asked her if she ever read the Bible. She told me that she did not but only because it was hard for her to read since she had lost the sight in her eye. So, I set up a time to come back and meet with her to read and study the Bible. I was very excited about the fact that I was going to get to study the Bible with a woman from the neighborhood.
I showed up on the day we agreed to meet, and Brenda seemed very excited to be studying the Bible with me. Martin*, her landlord and my co-worker, had given her a giant print Bible so that it would be easier for her to read. I decided that we should begin by studying the book of John because it gives a very clear picture of Jesus’ life and ministry. I read John 1:1-14 to Brenda in hopes that we could discuss what it meant. When I asked her about the passage, though, she quickly changed the subject and proceeded to talk to me for an hour about her life. I was very glad that she confided in me about the hardships of her life, but I was still disappointed that we did not get to study the Bible. So, I scheduled another meeting with her and told her that next time I hoped to study the passage that we had read.
When I showed up for our next meeting, though, she was not there. So, for the next couple of weeks I would stop by her house randomly to see if she was home, but she never answered the door. I became very discouraged and got the feeling that she was avoiding me. One day at work I talked to Martin about Brenda, and he told me that many of the things that she had told me were lies. She had said that she had been sober for over 5 months, but Martin said he had seen her at a crack house recently. She told me that she loved her kids and that she spent a lot of time with them. Martin told me that she never sees them and that they hate her. She also told me that she lost the sight in her eye because of her diabetes, but Martin told me that was a lie too. I was very angry at Brenda because she not only had been avoiding me, but she also had lied to me the entire time we were together.
Even though I was angry, I really wanted to share the Bible with Brenda, so I continued to try and see her. I went by her house a couple more times, and each time I walked away without having met with her. In November, though, I was surprised to hear that Brenda had checked into a rehab facility and was trying to get help for her addiction. I was overjoyed when I heard this news. This meant not only that she was trying to beat her addiction but also that she really had not been trying to avoid me. I knew that I could not give up on her and was very excited about the opportunity to meet with her again after she got out of rehab.
One day in January I got a call from Martin who said that he was standing next to someone who wanted to talk to me. It was Brenda. She told me that she had been in rehab for the past few months but wanted to start meeting with me again so that we could study the Bible together. That phone call made my heart leap for joy! I decided that I was going to share a series of Bible stories with her, called Firm Foundations, because they present a very clear picture of the Gospel. We set up a time to meet, and to my surprise she showed up. I was able to share the creation story with her, which she had never heard before, and she seemed to really understand what the story was about. This meeting was very encouraging to me, and I thought that Brenda had truly changed while she was in rehab. Unfortunately, I was wrong. The next time we scheduled a meeting she was not there. I went back several more times and got the same result. This time I was really furious because I was taking time out of my very busy life to try and study the Bible with her, but she didn’t seem to care. I felt like she was wasting my time. I wanted her to hear the Gospel and be saved, but she kept running away from me. Why couldn’t she see that I loved her and just wanted her to know Jesus? I was asking myself this question one day while I was driving home after another failed attempt to meet with her, when all of a sudden something hit me. It wasn’t a car, but the weight of the realization that God put on my heart made me feel like I had been hit by a semi-truck. God showed me that I am just like Brenda.
I have considered myself to be a Christian for as long as I can remember. When I was in the eleventh grade, though, I realized that I really did not have a personal relationship with Jesus. Ever since this realization I have been in an overwhelming struggle with the Lord for my heart. I desperately want to love and follow Jesus, but sometimes I don’t want it enough and let sin and the daily struggles of life come between me and my Savior. I cannot count the number of times that I have been through a cycle of intense growth followed by a period when I ignore God.
I realized that day in the car that I am just like Brenda when I lie to God and don’t honestly confess my sins before Him. Sometimes I will not even face God with my sin because I am too ashamed of how holy He is and what a mess I am. I not only lie to God about my sin, but I also pretend to be something that I am not around other believers so that they will think that I am an amazing Christian. I have created such a strong wall around the secret sins of my life that I greatly fear being exposed to those around me. I also realized that I try to avoid God just like Brenda avoids me. I run from God and His will for my life. I refuse to obey Him when He calls me to do things that I do not want to do. I often neglect to read my Bible and pray, and on days that I do these things I find that the time I spend is rushed and shallow. I find myself constantly seeking after my own glory instead of His. Yes, I really am just like Brenda.
Throughout the weeks following that incident I was able to think more about these things. During this time of reflection one phrase kept popping into my head, “My grace is sufficient for you.” “But how, God?” I asked. Once again he replied, “My grace is sufficient for you. Yes, even you, Candace.” Through these words God lovingly convinced me that no matter how many times I lie to Him or how many times I run from Him that He will always love me and His grace is enough to cover all of my sins.
God has used the neighborhood and Brenda to teach me about my utter sinfulness and His great grace. I have seen my relationship with Christ reflected in my relationship with a crack addict. This was a scary revelation, but God has comforted me with His grace and mercy. He has assured me that his grace is enough to cover all of my sins, even when I try to run from Him. Since I have been given this amazing grace, it is absolutely necessary that I share this good news with others, especially Brenda. God is calling me to demonstrate the grace that He has shown me in the way that I treat her. Even when I become frustrated with how she avoids me and lies to me, I must continue to show her the same mercy that I have been shown.
As I strive to apply to my life what this neighborhood has taught me, my heart cries out the words of the old hymn: “O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, O take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above.”

*These names have been changed

February, 2008